Sore Loser

A must-see opening skit on SNL mocking Hillary.

The original YouTube link was removed due to copyright infringement. It can still be found HERE, at least for the moment.

Hillary Clinton: “I Fought Muhammed Ali for the Heavyweight Championship”

At a campaign stop in Philadelphia, PA, Hillary Clinton furthered her identification with Rocky, recalling how she once stepped into the ring against Muhammed Ali.

Clinton said that she was sent to fight Ali when no one else would. “They used to say in the White House, if the ring were too small, or the venue too unimportant, or the opponent too fast, send Hillary.”

Recounting the championship bout against Ali, Senator Clinton recalled how she “ducked under a flurry of fists, crouched down and sought refuge on the ropes.” Asked about how difficult it was to staunch the bleeding between rounds, cutman Chelsea Clinton said, “none of your business.”

Responding to a question as to who won the heavyweight championship bout, Clinton called Ali “inept and irrelevant.”

“If he’s a heavyweight, he should have stood there and punched. If he dances and jabs, then he’s a lightweight…..and, he’s also a Muslim, so far as I know.”

Clinton, campaigning for the critical Pennsylvania vote, was criticized for not fighting Joe Frazier, the local hero. “I’m dedicated to health care reform,” said Clinton, “so I was not going to fight a guy called smokin’ Joe.” Asked, then, why she hired Mark Penn, who has done work for the tobacco industry, Clinton said, “ask Chelsea.”

it’s official.. Hillary is f*cking Obama

bowling for votes

Following a speech before hundreds of labor union members, the press was told Hillary Clinton would hold a press conference. The press sat patiently for Clinton to finish shaking hands with supporters in the other room. Within minutes, a somber looking Clinton approached the podium, her equally morose looking staff stood nearby.

“I want to take a moment to say that this has been a very hard fought race. Each of us is drawing enormous support. We clearly need to do something so that our party and the people can make the right decision,” Clinton said. At this point many in the press thought Clinton might drop the bomb that she is calling it quits in the race. But it soon became clear that Clinton was only joking.

“Today I am challenging Senator Obama to a bowl off, a bowling night, right here in Pennsylvania winner take all,” said Clinton as the press chuckled.

“I will even spot him 2 frames. It’s time for his campaign to get out of the gutter and allow all of the pins to be counted. I am prepared to play this game all the way to 10th frame. And when this game is over the America people will know when that phone rings at 3am they will have a president who will be able to bowl on day one so let’s strike a deal and go bowling for delegates. We don’t have a moment to spare, because it’s already April Fools Day, so happy April Fools Day everybody.”

Knowing that a little humor will go a long way, and understanding that she has very little of it to give, Hillary reserves her human side for the darkest hour, when nothing else will tip the scales in her direction. Viva la Hillary!

Democrats Get Their Groove On

let it be

Oops! Diebold Voting Machines announce November election early


Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

happy birthday!

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don’t they?

more people have been on the summit of Everest

Remember how Hillary claimed she had been named after Sir Edmund Hillary, even though she was 5 years old by the time Edmund Hillary climbed Mt Everest and became famous? Well, now you can learn the true connection between Hillary Rodham and Mt Everest.

Click here.

the number one issue for voters today

The Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

remember the alamo?

dress Hillary for success

Courtesy of Addictinggames.com.

Joke of the Day

Clinton issues Obama skeletons warning

Hillary Clinton argues that she’s scandal-proof after all her years in federal politics.

But Republicans, she says, will have a field day with relative newcomer Barack Obama if he becomes the Democratic nominee instead of her.

Dear Abby

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull**** with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

————————————————————

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don’t need him anymore! You’re a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. So act like one!!!

remember when the President used to be someone we admired?

“Hillary Clinton said today that public appearances with her and Bill would be rare. The only thing more rare? Private appearances with her and Bill.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton’s campaign has issued a statement saying she and Bill will be together this weekend in Selma, Alabama, which will be their first joint appearance together in a month. That’s when you know you have a bad marriage — when you have to put out a press release saying you’ll be together for the weekend. You need cameras to record it, in case people don’t believe you” –Jay Leno

“Presidential candidate Barack Obama … went door to door in Iowa over the weekend to talk about his opposition to the war and gain votes. Hillary Clinton also went door to door — not looking for votes, trying to find her husband.” –Jay Leno

“You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There’s some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. … On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history of marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history of marital problems.” –David Letterman

“Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton — when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.” –Jay Leno

“At the national portrait gallery in Washington, D.C. new portraits were unveiled of former President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Clinton. The Smithsonian said that the portraits of Bill and Hillary will not hang in the same room. Boy, talk about art reflecting life.” –Jay Leno

“In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can’t find the tallest man in Afghanistan. Probably for the same reason she couldn’t find the fattest intern under the desk.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the big story — Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she’s running? I think she finally wants to see what it’s like to sleep in the president’s bed.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton’s former business partners can vote for her in 2008.” –Jay Leno

the ultimate political pin-up girl

The way Hillary’s campaign is tanking these days, somebody must be making a fortune selling Hillary Clinton voodoo dolls.

your candidate is unique.. just like all the others

Ch-ch-ch-CHANGE

Hillary sells her own fragrance!

It’s Clintorious!

hillary’s final vote

While walking down the street one day a US senator from New York is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and other democrats who had worked with her.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling anecdotes involving the senator. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives her a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then she answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and she’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to her and puts his arm around her shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at her, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning… Today you voted.”

a bumpersticker that kinda sucks

the ultimate vote pandering

Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton officially rescinded her bid for president at an Iowa campaign appearance Saturday.

“Just two months ago, I promised that I’d listen to every voice through my town hall meetings, web chats, and trips to communities across the country,” said Clinton, whose opponents have accused her of being out of touch with average voters. “America, you spoke clearly and with conviction—and I listened. And so I say to you today: Let the conversation end.”

Polls showed that immediately following her speech, Clinton’s approval numbers skyrocketed all across the South, wide swaths of the Midwest, scattered pockets of the Northeast, and in California, Alaska, Nevada, North Dakota, South Dakota, Hawaii, and Ohio.

famous last words

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 4 passengers left, but only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger, George Bush said “I am the president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.” So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said “I am the future first female President of the United States, and I am the smartest woman in the world.” So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The third passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old boy scout “I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.”

The boy scout said “It’s okay! There’s a parachute left for you. The ‘world’s smartest woman’ took my backpack.”

there’s no crying in baseball!

No Crying!

Watch the video in its entirety to see how New Hampshire SHOULD HAVE reacted to Hillary’s crocodile tears.

it just occurred to me

We’ve got Brangelina and TomKat, and then there was Bennifer. Why has the press not come up with the obvious moniker for a couple from Arkansas with the names Hillary and Bill?

HillBilly

Thank you, President Clinton

as found on various internet sites… author unknown

Dear Mr. Ex President Clinton:

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, “Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore.” So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my “Thank you” for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Did I leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8-year-old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until he was a little older to discuss it with him, but now he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of “it” is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex, and one person may have sex while the other one does not have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie “Wag the Dog” could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment’s from the Whitewater “mess” and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other “Clinton” scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, “gutting” much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on “vacations” carefully disguised as necessary trips.

9 Thank you, also, for “finding” millions of dollars (I really didn’t need it in the first place, and I can’t think of a more deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned tax dollars) for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you, the family and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration.

10. Now that you’ve left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society. (Not to mention the scores you pardoned while Governor of Arkansas)

11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware. I’m sure that Laura Bush didn’t like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming gifts you’ve received from your “friends.”

12. Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for vandalizing and destroying government property on the way out. I also appreciate removing all of that excess weight (China, silverware, linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.) out of Air Force 1. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus less tax dollars spent on jet fuel. Thank you!

13. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her “tell-all” book and you, Bill, the $10 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn’t pay!

14. The last and most important point – thank you for forcing Israel to let Mohammed Atta go free. Terrorist pilot Mohammed Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called “political prisoners”. However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands. The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, “insisted” that all prisoners be released. Thus Mohammed Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports. Why shouldn’t Americans know the real truth?

What a guy!!

And finally, thank you for reminding me of the things to consider now that Hillary is running for president.

SINCERELY,
A US Citizen

sure to be mandatory with the new and improved HillaryCare

Tryphorgetin

Think you might have heartburn? It might just be Hillary Clinton!

Not sure you want a lying, malicious feminist in the White House? Try OxyClinton.

hillary clinton is a pig

Barack Obama was sued by Hillary Clinton for defamation. She charged that he had called her a pig. Obama was found guilty and fined.

“Does this mean I can’t call Mrs Clinton a pig?” he asked the judge.

“That’s correct,” the judge replied.

“Does this also mean that I can’t call a pig Mrs Clinton?” Obama asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig “Mrs Clinton” with no fear of legal action.

Upon hearing this, Obama looked directly at Mrs Clinton and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs Clinton.”

jocularity

Students were assigned to read 2 books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton. One smart student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let’s not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica…..ooh, let’s not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary…basically the same thing.